Single parenting has got to be my toughest job! Trying to be both mother and father at times. Trying not to be the "No" parent every time and choosing my battles. It's tough. 3 teenagers, 1 adult...ratio isn't good for me. I think my biggest battle is the kitchen clean-up! It's like really there are 4 people...four plates or 4 bowls. It's not that hard and shouldn't take anyone 2 hrs!! I even post each child's night in the kitchen so they know what night and can plan ahead due to various schedules. It's just plain ridiculous the excuses to not do it or why it didn't get done. I know there are those that say...well, you just make them. Yep, I know. It will get done eventually, but boy does it bring on the battles. You would think though that by now these 3 medium humans would figure that it doesn't matter the excuse, the stalling, the whining, the clever ways to go around...AREN'T WORKING! YOU STILL HAVE TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN! I love my children, but there are those tough days that your just thankful that God gives you mercy too. Thanking God today for those medium humans who make me who I am and for the lessons God is teaching me as i raise them.

Life is hard sometimes....

Life is hard sometimes. I'm here again because I needed a place where I can journal the walk of my life. It's tough to walk this journey at times. I miss him today. Really miss him. I sat with the kids at the dinner table tonight. Always tough to do, but listen as they laugh and talk and I miss that he's not here. You would think that after 8 yrs I wouldn't have these times, but here I am...sad. I think I hear him laugh at times and wish the kids knew what that sounded like. It's really tough at times to be "left behind". I try to keep my sights on Christ, but in all honesty that's so difficult. It's such a battle to keep fighting to stay above water, but you do what you have to do...you survive again.

It's been a very long time since I've posted...well 7 yrs actually. My has time changed our lives. Kids are now teenagers,we live in a different state but life jyst kept going whether I liked it or not. I've taken on on a motto my dad always said..."You do what you have to Do". There were some difficult years. Times I wish I could forget, but know they were necessary to heal as I walked through grief, but still didn't like it at all. I wasn't prepared for how the grief changed me in many ways. Of course it made me stronger and definitely more independent and stubborn. I liked those characteristics, but it also made me withdraw even more and I find myself easily disconnecting from the outside and sadly from people so as not to let the pain overtake me again. The one thing I can never disconnect myself from though is my kids. They are my gift, my joy...they make my heart so joyful. I've been blessed for sure. I still miss Warren everyday. As the kids grow I can't tell you how many times I've wanted so badly to just tell him how proud he would be of the kids or just tell him something funny they did. I think the loneliness surprised me. It was a stronger than I anticipated. I could be in a room full of people, but felt completely alone. Thoughts were difficult to control as the reality of never seeing him again began to sink in. I at times lived in a dream world just trying to survive the empty hole that I felt. I felt I was in a dream watching my life go by, but not having the emotionally stamina to deal with the many emotions and thoughts that were consuming me. I knew I needed counseling...someone to talk with that didn't know me or anything about me. She was a Godsend! She listened, was honest and a wonderful friend. It was much needed time for me as it was important to communicate in a healthy environment the feelings, thoughts and emotions I was dealing with. I do miss Warren...so much. We had an amazing connection that's hard to match with anyone else. But I know God has a plan...its not easy to see, but as much as I want to scream at him in frustration I also want to run to His arms for comdfort and safety. For He is the only one that can fill that sadness. I don't always feel he's with me, but his promise that He's there is something I have to hold too. Making that choice, daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute.

10/10/10

10/10/10...it's been 2 years since Warren has been gone. We miss him just as much now as we did 2 yrs ago, but we made it another year. I thank you for praying for us during the last 2 years and thank so many out there that have been a source of help and comfort. Days like this put me in a fog and I feel so much of the emotion I felt 2 yrs ago. My family have been such a help as mom and Jana came to be with me this weekend and we were able to keep busy, but he is always on our minds. We love and miss you Warren.

Catching Up

My goodness how time flies. I'm sorry to those who have checked my blog and I haven't posted for months. I have had some computer issues and it was hard to post on the blog. Anyway, I'm up and running and ready to blog again. We have had a very busy summer and I can't believe we are already back in school. Oh how I miss the summer months. The stringent schedule of school is very difficult for me. The school year ended with my little man graduating from Kindergarten and that was very emotional. Then we started the summer off with 2 weddings. It was a crazy beginning. For the 4th we went to visit Warren's family and had a very nice day, then a couple weeks later we left for Minnesota for a week. We went to the Children's Museum, the zoo and Mall of America and celebrated a birthday at the American Girl Cafe. The week turned into a two week trip as we ended up going to my sister's because her basement flooded and they were in Palau. So mother and I and the kids went to Wisconsin to help with the house and then welcomed them home from Palau. We came home for 2 weeks and then back to Wisconsin for a Rodabaugh reunion. It was a wonderful time to visit with my dad's family. We had not all been to together in many years. There were 41 of us. We were all there but one cousin(and he was missed very much). It was really hot, but we still had a great day visiting and catching up. We came home and started school two days later. AHHHHHH!! Where did the summer go? The children are growing as you will see from the pics. We had some interesting issues come the summer, but were able to work on them and some we still are. I had a big birthday this summer and it seemed to really affect my little boy. I dreaded this birthday, not because of aging, but because I am getting close to the age of my husband and will soon pass him. It is difficult to think he will never grow old as I will. He will always be 41. One night I heard heavy crying and went to talk to my son who said "mommy, you turned 40, then you'll be 50 then 60 and then you'll be dead". What do you say to that? I reasurred him with lots of love and the fact that I am here now and we pray that God will give me a long and healthy life. What a burden for a little boy to have. I hate that he has those thoughts. God has been good to us as always and we are so grateful for his love for us even when we can't see the way.

Sometimes life is too fast and othertimes too slow...

We are in the middle of April, the dreaded month of the year for me. I pour myself into all kinds of projects during April to busy myself crazy. It does help me some. I have been working on planting around the outside of the house. This was always Warren's area, but I was determined to make green grow!!! I do not have a green thumb, it's really more black. But I have found that I can grow ivy and hostas. Well at least that's a start. I must look really sad out there because my neighbors have been offering various things like plants, gardening tools, mulch and so forth. I guess I probably looked a little crazy putting the mulch in our little red wagon because my wheelbarrel was broken so I was offered the use of a wheelbarrel. I was fairly proud of myself as I have transplanted several plants and planted new plants. I also dug out a small garden bed along the back of the house and cut down some small dead trees along the back of the yard. I hope all my plants survive! I also have been taking a personal training class, I'm not sure what I was thinking there, but at least I feel stronger (at least that's what I tell myself when I'm on the heating pad and taking ibuprofen). We celebrated Warren's birthday last weekend by getting our balloons, writing our notes on them and taking them to the cemetery to let them go, then we always go to Texas Roadhouse (Warren's favorite restaurant). The kids actually love doing it, it's a time to remember daddy in a fun way and it not be so sad at least for them. They also love TX Roadhouse and love steak and ribs. We also started the little man in T-ball again. He has much more confidence this year and has discovered sliding. He slides for every base and every ball. Needless to say he is filthy. We have so enjoyed the beautiful weather God has given us this spring and I love that the two youngest go out to "adventuring". They pack their little backpacks and walk through the yard looking for sticks, birds and various nature things. It's really cute. My oldest on the other hand is my garden helper (I think she has her daddy's green thumb). I was given the opportunity to go hear Lisa Welchel speak. What a wonderful blessing! It was a wonderful night of encouragement. God always sends me what I need at the right time. I don't understand the ways of God and why He has allowed me to be in this position in life, but He continues to show me He is with me and watching over us, even when I can't feel Him. It's just that sometimes it would really by nice if God has skin on...Happy Birthday to my Warren, I love you!!

Valentine's Day....

I just returned from a weekend with my sister Jana. We had a wonderful time as she always makes me laugh and for a brief time forget what this weekend represented - special time with my husband. As I have said before Warren made Valentine's Day a very special time and so I try to just get through the day, but the children don't understand and so for them the festivities go on.... Jana had them make cards for me and they expressed their wonderful love for Mommy. What a treasure! I was blessed as I read the cards. Chloe always finds a unique way of saying something special like when she said "I don't need you skinny, mommy, I love you just the way you are." Those are always the special words from my precious girl. Today was no different and she wrote: "I like to have a mom just like you". I love her precious ways and innocent love. Spencer colored me a beautiful picture of the sky with 3 figures in the clouds: God, Daddy and Jesus, oh, with a caterpillar and spider at the bottom. Maddie, over and over, expressed her love for me with words and hearts. This is the precious love of Valentine's Day. In my sadness for what I am missing, God said, "but, look what you have" These are now the treasured cards I keep hidden to my heart. I hope you had a wonderful day, and treasured the precious valentine's you have whether adult and/or children. Happy Valentine's Day Warren, I love and miss you!