Wow! A whole year has passed and then some. For the most part Warren seems only gone a few weeks or maybe months. I am finding that the 2nd year in many ways is more difficult than the first. I think the first year is so much shock and trying to cope through each "first" or just life in general. Now as the 2nd year begins, reality sets in. The reality that he's not on a long trip, but that this is for the rest of my earthly life. It's a sobering thought to face everyday. I went by the cemetery today to place a Christmas star at his grave. I like to go there although I had 2 of the kids with me and couldn't stay long. It's nice to go, but as I've said before I hate to leave, especially when it's cold and rainy. I know he's not there, but it's hard to disconnect from our human minds sometimes. I miss him so very much. The kids are doing well. We have had a few "I miss my daddy" moments, but we have cried and hugged and gone on. I cleaned out a drawer next to our bed and found priceless treasures. Warren had such a desire to be a good father and the drawer had many books about family and fatherhood. I also found another card I had given him. He saved almost every card I gave him. There were many sermon outlines he had started on pieces of paper, some finished and some not. He had a card he had bought for Maddie's 2nd Christmas and had written in it. He never finished it, but had said many wonderful things to her and so mom thought it would be helpful to her if I gave it to her now. She loved it and cried, but she keeps it under her pillow and I find her reading it all the time. What a treasure she has and special words just to her from her daddy. I also found a poem he had written about the kids. It was a tough hour and a half, but so thankful to the Lord for the treasures he has given me.
I tell the kids when I take them to school and we pray how important it is to thank God for the many blessings he has bestowed on my family. Although we do not understand why God has allowed this difficulty in our lives, He has taken such wonderful care of us. We are blessed in so many ways. It doesn't mean I don't struggle with all of this, but I can count other blessings.
Christmas is approaching, quickly, I might add, and I love this time of year. I still find myself picking out gifts for him, when I see something, but then reality again hits me. I miss how he planned my Christmas presents. He was so specific about what he would buy. I even miss the Christmas china he bought me every year. I miss the dark chocolate with raspberry filling candy he would put in my stocking. He would buy some kind of jewelry and put it in the very bottom of the stocking. There was always a certain way he did Christmas. He rarely bought what I asked for because he said I was too practical and He wanted to buy me something nice. I must say he spoiled me every year.
We had our Christmas cantata at church last week and Maddie had her debut of acting. She was my daughter. I couldn't have been prouder!! I believe God opened a window of Heaven and allowed Warren to see her perform. My heart was so full as she said her lines. Then tonight we had the children's program. It was so fun. You just never know what they will do. Maddie and Chloe each had speaking parts and did a great job. Maddie played 2 piano specials as well, but bless her heart, she has been terribly sick with a cold. She is just miserable. Spencer was a shepherd, but got a little bored in the barn and began hitting "Joseph" over the head with his staff (Joseph was plastic, thank goodness). It is so dangerous when that boy gets bored! He had a few parts with the smaller children before the play and everytime he had a special part and before they left he would walk up to microphone and say "thank you very much". Hmmmm, sounds like someone else I knew. Anyway, I have rattled on long enough. I hope you all have a wonderful MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

As fall approaches.......

I feel compelled to write tonight as so many things are going through my mind. The one year anniversary is quickly approaching. I haven't said anything to the kids, as I didn't think they would be aware of the time. I am amazed by my children though. I don't even know if they realize what is coming, but they know the season. Part of the problem, I believe, is that fall was Warren's favorite time of year. How he loved all the fun and warmth of the autumn season. It is something we all look so forward too and yet something is missing and they know it. They are having trouble sleeping and have begun to ask questions and make comments about "fall is daddy's favorite season, isn't it", or "daddy and I had fun when the leaves fell". Tonight, I found my little man with all his blankets on the floor after I put him to bed. I said "buddy, what are you doing?" He replied "when I miss my daddy, I like to sleep like this". Many times I do not understand what is going on in those little heads, but I just snuggled him. Football has also started and tonight I walked downstairs to get something to drink and the TV was on the Colts game. It was a difficult, almost breathtaking moment as I caught myself looking in the chair (hoping to see him). I keep the games on as though I have too. It's so strange, the things we hold on too......

I once again am blessed with wonderful friends. My friend Kelly came to the house the other day and with her brought 3 blankets. One for each of my kids. Here are pictures of each blanket. Thank you Kelly, the kids sleep with them every night. They are a wonderful comfort!

School Begins!!

We have started the school season!! It is a bittersweet time. I enjoy having some down time, but I do miss the kids. They are all in school this year and a new school as well. They are all doing pretty well, although there has been many changes, and if anyone knows my children, changes do not come easy!! :) I struggle with the morning schedule, but we will get used to it! We have been incredibly busy and full of homework and piano. When school is out we are crazy until bedtime. Please keep my little man in your prayers, he is struggling with a few things. It has been hard for him to understand any of this. He is becoming more and more like his daddy with each new day. The girls are adjusting fairly well although we have had a few setbacks in last few weeks. We cherish your prayers and thoughts.

Blessings!

With the many changes in our lives, one of my hardest during the last several months is the difficulty in getting to sleep at night. As I have said before night time is a time I struggle dealing with. But, the last few nights, I start out with questioning the Lord on His decision and He has reminded me of the list of family members and friends that He has so wonderfully given me during this time. I have been amazed at what God has blessed me with. Life as I knew it has totally changed and I don't always go with it easily, but God has given His grace through many forms. It doesn't mean I understand why or that it's any easier to accept necessarily, but He does give me the strength to cope. It never fails that when I am having one of those many days He sends people to me. It may a phone call, a card, a Facebook note, a visit, an e-mail, etc. For those of you family and friends that read this, please know how thankful I am for your consistent encouragement. I may not respond outwardly, but know that my heart it so grateful for your love and support. I know that there are many times that I made it through the day because you responded to that little voice from God letting you know I needed a boost. I just wanted you all to know I am very appreciative of your "care" for me.
The summer has gone by too quickly. It won't be long before school starts back up. We have been so busy, I painted a small bathroom and gave my oldest her own room. I painted her room and put up border. It was a crazy week, but I felt like I had accomplished so much. We celebrated a birthday for my 7yr old on the first. We went to a tea place with some friends and had a little tea party. What a wonderful thing for little girls. They had boa's and hats for the little girls to wear and they had fun. I did have to draw the line when the owner was showing my little "warrior" boy how to wear a boa. Everyone had their own teapot with tea and tea cups. I kept thinking how Warren would have loved to see the girls being little ladies. They had sugar to put in their tea cups, but that became such a fun activity that the sugar was just "sludge" in the bottom of the cups. :) But oh, what fun we had! We had a wonderful 4th with Warren's family. It was good to see all the family and watch the cousins play together. We didn't have fireworks that night because we had so much rain, but Sunday night our city did a wonderful display. I had not intended to go because I was tired and just plain didn't want to mess with it. When the kids found out there were fireworks (thanks to the neighbor kids) they of course wanted to go. I immediately said "no" we aren't going. The kids and I all got ready for bed, but the guilt started setting in :) I kept hearing the little voice that said "why not?". So we jumped in the car PJ's and all and went to see the fireworks. It was great and the kids loved it (and so did I). It was one of those moments that all of the sadness left and we just had smiles. It was such a "christmas" moment when all is forgotten. Again, God is good, He gives us what we need when we need it. I am so thankful for those moments and that God has given me my babies to share these wonderful times together.

Summer is here!!!

I am so glad summer is here! I was so ready to be away from the school schedule!! It seems like whenever we had a school break we were out of town. I am looking forward to taking a break and doing some never-ending organization. In the next couple of weeks we will also be doing some painting and rearranging of the kids rooms. We have been very busy since coming home from FL. It seemed like every weekend there was something happening. May brought some more days of firsts. Dear friends took the children and I out to eat for Mother's day. It was a good day and I enjoyed the eating and fellowship! It really helped to keep my mind from feeling down. I also had many friends and family txt or call to wish me a good day!! Thank you to all!
The next day we had was our oldest 9th birthday!!! We went to Chuck E Cheese, it was a great time! WOW, I can't believe she's 9, on the other hand I struggle with the fact that she is only 9 and her daddy isn't here to see it. The end of May brought Memorial Day weekend and we went to Chicago for a Kane County Cougar game. It was a lot of fun. We had almost 25 of us at the game. It was fun to see some family I hadn't seen in years!! It was fun to see the cousin's kids playing. We came home and mom came with me to do a garage sale. It was quite the event. While setting up, mom crushed her hand in between two plastic containers. It wasn't broken or fractured but was severely bruised and swollen. She is doing much better now. Thank the Lord! After the garage sale, we headed up to MN. It is always good to go home! It was good to see so many people and just hang out. We spend one day at the MN zoo!! I love the zoo!! It was wonderful to watch the kids with the animals. The girls hadn't been since they were 3 & 1 and my little man has never been. The bears were probably the best exhibit. I could have stayed to watch them all night! They seemed so carefree and loved to entertain the people. It just doesn't matter what you do we always wish Warren was with us!! I wanted to call him and tell him what the kids were saying or doing. I need to share so much with him. I believe that God shows him many things we are doing, like our oldest piano playing, but it's just the fact that it never mattered what I told him about the kids he loved it whether it was big or little and there is so much to say. The kids are growing so much and life is going on...................Anyway, I miss him so much. It has been 8 months. It is hard to believe we made it 8 months. God keeps holding us as we walk this path. Father's day is approaching. You never realize how all the advertisements and commercials are so hard for people. I can't watch any commercials on father's day. I am thankful for the wonderful father my husband was in his short time of being one. He was so proud to be a father and if you knew him you understood that he was very proud of his children and so very thankful for the opportunity to be a "dad". "Happy Father's Day Warren!! I love you!

April's Over!

April has been a very difficult month. It was Warren's birthday and our anniversary. I have dreaded it knowing it would be a very emotional time. We once again went to the cemetery with our balloons and let them go and sang Happy Birthday! The kids really like to go and so do I although leaving is very difficult for me. Our anniversary was a week later. Let's just say it was a bad day all around. I think that has been the hardest day I have had since Warren died. Thankfully my aunt took the kids for several hours in the afternoon so I could have some alone time. I don't know if that day will ever be better. What was once such a wonderful day has become one of the most dreaded days of my life. It made me miss Warren so very much! I am glad to get into May as school will be out this month and we need the rest. I am glad at the many blessings God has given us! I was just telling the kids that although we don't understand why God has taken Warren it has been incredible to see how he has fulfilled his promises of caring for us time and time again. God is good!!!

On another note I have a prayer request. Long time family friends of ours are asking for special prayer. Bob was diagnosed with acute leukemia about a year ago. He has been very ill and in and out of the hospital for pretty much the entire time. Saturday his daughter is graduating from nursing school and it is his desire to attend this graduation. Please pray that Bob will be able to go, that God would give him this desire. Thank you!