10/10/10

10/10/10...it's been 2 years since Warren has been gone. We miss him just as much now as we did 2 yrs ago, but we made it another year. I thank you for praying for us during the last 2 years and thank so many out there that have been a source of help and comfort. Days like this put me in a fog and I feel so much of the emotion I felt 2 yrs ago. My family have been such a help as mom and Jana came to be with me this weekend and we were able to keep busy, but he is always on our minds. We love and miss you Warren.

Catching Up

My goodness how time flies. I'm sorry to those who have checked my blog and I haven't posted for months. I have had some computer issues and it was hard to post on the blog. Anyway, I'm up and running and ready to blog again. We have had a very busy summer and I can't believe we are already back in school. Oh how I miss the summer months. The stringent schedule of school is very difficult for me. The school year ended with my little man graduating from Kindergarten and that was very emotional. Then we started the summer off with 2 weddings. It was a crazy beginning. For the 4th we went to visit Warren's family and had a very nice day, then a couple weeks later we left for Minnesota for a week. We went to the Children's Museum, the zoo and Mall of America and celebrated a birthday at the American Girl Cafe. The week turned into a two week trip as we ended up going to my sister's because her basement flooded and they were in Palau. So mother and I and the kids went to Wisconsin to help with the house and then welcomed them home from Palau. We came home for 2 weeks and then back to Wisconsin for a Rodabaugh reunion. It was a wonderful time to visit with my dad's family. We had not all been to together in many years. There were 41 of us. We were all there but one cousin(and he was missed very much). It was really hot, but we still had a great day visiting and catching up. We came home and started school two days later. AHHHHHH!! Where did the summer go? The children are growing as you will see from the pics. We had some interesting issues come the summer, but were able to work on them and some we still are. I had a big birthday this summer and it seemed to really affect my little boy. I dreaded this birthday, not because of aging, but because I am getting close to the age of my husband and will soon pass him. It is difficult to think he will never grow old as I will. He will always be 41. One night I heard heavy crying and went to talk to my son who said "mommy, you turned 40, then you'll be 50 then 60 and then you'll be dead". What do you say to that? I reasurred him with lots of love and the fact that I am here now and we pray that God will give me a long and healthy life. What a burden for a little boy to have. I hate that he has those thoughts. God has been good to us as always and we are so grateful for his love for us even when we can't see the way.

Sometimes life is too fast and othertimes too slow...

We are in the middle of April, the dreaded month of the year for me. I pour myself into all kinds of projects during April to busy myself crazy. It does help me some. I have been working on planting around the outside of the house. This was always Warren's area, but I was determined to make green grow!!! I do not have a green thumb, it's really more black. But I have found that I can grow ivy and hostas. Well at least that's a start. I must look really sad out there because my neighbors have been offering various things like plants, gardening tools, mulch and so forth. I guess I probably looked a little crazy putting the mulch in our little red wagon because my wheelbarrel was broken so I was offered the use of a wheelbarrel. I was fairly proud of myself as I have transplanted several plants and planted new plants. I also dug out a small garden bed along the back of the house and cut down some small dead trees along the back of the yard. I hope all my plants survive! I also have been taking a personal training class, I'm not sure what I was thinking there, but at least I feel stronger (at least that's what I tell myself when I'm on the heating pad and taking ibuprofen). We celebrated Warren's birthday last weekend by getting our balloons, writing our notes on them and taking them to the cemetery to let them go, then we always go to Texas Roadhouse (Warren's favorite restaurant). The kids actually love doing it, it's a time to remember daddy in a fun way and it not be so sad at least for them. They also love TX Roadhouse and love steak and ribs. We also started the little man in T-ball again. He has much more confidence this year and has discovered sliding. He slides for every base and every ball. Needless to say he is filthy. We have so enjoyed the beautiful weather God has given us this spring and I love that the two youngest go out to "adventuring". They pack their little backpacks and walk through the yard looking for sticks, birds and various nature things. It's really cute. My oldest on the other hand is my garden helper (I think she has her daddy's green thumb). I was given the opportunity to go hear Lisa Welchel speak. What a wonderful blessing! It was a wonderful night of encouragement. God always sends me what I need at the right time. I don't understand the ways of God and why He has allowed me to be in this position in life, but He continues to show me He is with me and watching over us, even when I can't feel Him. It's just that sometimes it would really by nice if God has skin on...Happy Birthday to my Warren, I love you!!

Valentine's Day....

I just returned from a weekend with my sister Jana. We had a wonderful time as she always makes me laugh and for a brief time forget what this weekend represented - special time with my husband. As I have said before Warren made Valentine's Day a very special time and so I try to just get through the day, but the children don't understand and so for them the festivities go on.... Jana had them make cards for me and they expressed their wonderful love for Mommy. What a treasure! I was blessed as I read the cards. Chloe always finds a unique way of saying something special like when she said "I don't need you skinny, mommy, I love you just the way you are." Those are always the special words from my precious girl. Today was no different and she wrote: "I like to have a mom just like you". I love her precious ways and innocent love. Spencer colored me a beautiful picture of the sky with 3 figures in the clouds: God, Daddy and Jesus, oh, with a caterpillar and spider at the bottom. Maddie, over and over, expressed her love for me with words and hearts. This is the precious love of Valentine's Day. In my sadness for what I am missing, God said, "but, look what you have" These are now the treasured cards I keep hidden to my heart. I hope you had a wonderful day, and treasured the precious valentine's you have whether adult and/or children. Happy Valentine's Day Warren, I love and miss you!

Wow! A whole year has passed and then some. For the most part Warren seems only gone a few weeks or maybe months. I am finding that the 2nd year in many ways is more difficult than the first. I think the first year is so much shock and trying to cope through each "first" or just life in general. Now as the 2nd year begins, reality sets in. The reality that he's not on a long trip, but that this is for the rest of my earthly life. It's a sobering thought to face everyday. I went by the cemetery today to place a Christmas star at his grave. I like to go there although I had 2 of the kids with me and couldn't stay long. It's nice to go, but as I've said before I hate to leave, especially when it's cold and rainy. I know he's not there, but it's hard to disconnect from our human minds sometimes. I miss him so very much. The kids are doing well. We have had a few "I miss my daddy" moments, but we have cried and hugged and gone on. I cleaned out a drawer next to our bed and found priceless treasures. Warren had such a desire to be a good father and the drawer had many books about family and fatherhood. I also found another card I had given him. He saved almost every card I gave him. There were many sermon outlines he had started on pieces of paper, some finished and some not. He had a card he had bought for Maddie's 2nd Christmas and had written in it. He never finished it, but had said many wonderful things to her and so mom thought it would be helpful to her if I gave it to her now. She loved it and cried, but she keeps it under her pillow and I find her reading it all the time. What a treasure she has and special words just to her from her daddy. I also found a poem he had written about the kids. It was a tough hour and a half, but so thankful to the Lord for the treasures he has given me.
I tell the kids when I take them to school and we pray how important it is to thank God for the many blessings he has bestowed on my family. Although we do not understand why God has allowed this difficulty in our lives, He has taken such wonderful care of us. We are blessed in so many ways. It doesn't mean I don't struggle with all of this, but I can count other blessings.
Christmas is approaching, quickly, I might add, and I love this time of year. I still find myself picking out gifts for him, when I see something, but then reality again hits me. I miss how he planned my Christmas presents. He was so specific about what he would buy. I even miss the Christmas china he bought me every year. I miss the dark chocolate with raspberry filling candy he would put in my stocking. He would buy some kind of jewelry and put it in the very bottom of the stocking. There was always a certain way he did Christmas. He rarely bought what I asked for because he said I was too practical and He wanted to buy me something nice. I must say he spoiled me every year.
We had our Christmas cantata at church last week and Maddie had her debut of acting. She was my daughter. I couldn't have been prouder!! I believe God opened a window of Heaven and allowed Warren to see her perform. My heart was so full as she said her lines. Then tonight we had the children's program. It was so fun. You just never know what they will do. Maddie and Chloe each had speaking parts and did a great job. Maddie played 2 piano specials as well, but bless her heart, she has been terribly sick with a cold. She is just miserable. Spencer was a shepherd, but got a little bored in the barn and began hitting "Joseph" over the head with his staff (Joseph was plastic, thank goodness). It is so dangerous when that boy gets bored! He had a few parts with the smaller children before the play and everytime he had a special part and before they left he would walk up to microphone and say "thank you very much". Hmmmm, sounds like someone else I knew. Anyway, I have rattled on long enough. I hope you all have a wonderful MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

As fall approaches.......

I feel compelled to write tonight as so many things are going through my mind. The one year anniversary is quickly approaching. I haven't said anything to the kids, as I didn't think they would be aware of the time. I am amazed by my children though. I don't even know if they realize what is coming, but they know the season. Part of the problem, I believe, is that fall was Warren's favorite time of year. How he loved all the fun and warmth of the autumn season. It is something we all look so forward too and yet something is missing and they know it. They are having trouble sleeping and have begun to ask questions and make comments about "fall is daddy's favorite season, isn't it", or "daddy and I had fun when the leaves fell". Tonight, I found my little man with all his blankets on the floor after I put him to bed. I said "buddy, what are you doing?" He replied "when I miss my daddy, I like to sleep like this". Many times I do not understand what is going on in those little heads, but I just snuggled him. Football has also started and tonight I walked downstairs to get something to drink and the TV was on the Colts game. It was a difficult, almost breathtaking moment as I caught myself looking in the chair (hoping to see him). I keep the games on as though I have too. It's so strange, the things we hold on too......

I once again am blessed with wonderful friends. My friend Kelly came to the house the other day and with her brought 3 blankets. One for each of my kids. Here are pictures of each blanket. Thank you Kelly, the kids sleep with them every night. They are a wonderful comfort!