Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wow! A whole year has passed and then some. For the most part Warren seems only gone a few weeks or maybe months. I am finding that the 2nd year in many ways is more difficult than the first. I think the first year is so much shock and trying to cope through each "first" or just life in general. Now as the 2nd year begins, reality sets in. The reality that he's not on a long trip, but that this is for the rest of my earthly life. It's a sobering thought to face everyday. I went by the cemetery today to place a Christmas star at his grave. I like to go there although I had 2 of the kids with me and couldn't stay long. It's nice to go, but as I've said before I hate to leave, especially when it's cold and rainy. I know he's not there, but it's hard to disconnect from our human minds sometimes. I miss him so very much. The kids are doing well. We have had a few "I miss my daddy" moments, but we have cried and hugged and gone on. I cleaned out a drawer next to our bed and found priceless treasures. Warren had such a desire to be a good father and the drawer had many books about family and fatherhood. I also found another card I had given him. He saved almost every card I gave him. There were many sermon outlines he had started on pieces of paper, some finished and some not. He had a card he had bought for Maddie's 2nd Christmas and had written in it. He never finished it, but had said many wonderful things to her and so mom thought it would be helpful to her if I gave it to her now. She loved it and cried, but she keeps it under her pillow and I find her reading it all the time. What a treasure she has and special words just to her from her daddy. I also found a poem he had written about the kids. It was a tough hour and a half, but so thankful to the Lord for the treasures he has given me.
I tell the kids when I take them to school and we pray how important it is to thank God for the many blessings he has bestowed on my family. Although we do not understand why God has allowed this difficulty in our lives, He has taken such wonderful care of us. We are blessed in so many ways. It doesn't mean I don't struggle with all of this, but I can count other blessings.
Christmas is approaching, quickly, I might add, and I love this time of year. I still find myself picking out gifts for him, when I see something, but then reality again hits me. I miss how he planned my Christmas presents. He was so specific about what he would buy. I even miss the Christmas china he bought me every year. I miss the dark chocolate with raspberry filling candy he would put in my stocking. He would buy some kind of jewelry and put it in the very bottom of the stocking. There was always a certain way he did Christmas. He rarely bought what I asked for because he said I was too practical and He wanted to buy me something nice. I must say he spoiled me every year.
We had our Christmas cantata at church last week and Maddie had her debut of acting. She was my daughter. I couldn't have been prouder!! I believe God opened a window of Heaven and allowed Warren to see her perform. My heart was so full as she said her lines. Then tonight we had the children's program. It was so fun. You just never know what they will do. Maddie and Chloe each had speaking parts and did a great job. Maddie played 2 piano specials as well, but bless her heart, she has been terribly sick with a cold. She is just miserable. Spencer was a shepherd, but got a little bored in the barn and began hitting "Joseph" over the head with his staff (Joseph was plastic, thank goodness). It is so dangerous when that boy gets bored! He had a few parts with the smaller children before the play and everytime he had a special part and before they left he would walk up to microphone and say "thank you very much". Hmmmm, sounds like someone else I knew. Anyway, I have rattled on long enough. I hope you all have a wonderful MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!