Monday, August 21, 2017

Life is hard sometimes....

Life is hard sometimes. I'm here again because I needed a place where I can journal the walk of my life. It's tough to walk this journey at times. I miss him today. Really miss him. I sat with the kids at the dinner table tonight. Always tough to do, but listen as they laugh and talk and I miss that he's not here. You would think that after 8 yrs I wouldn't have these times, but here I am...sad. I think I hear him laugh at times and wish the kids knew what that sounded like. It's really tough at times to be "left behind". I try to keep my sights on Christ, but in all honesty that's so difficult. It's such a battle to keep fighting to stay above water, but you do what you have to do...you survive again.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

It's been a very long time since I've posted...well 7 yrs actually. My has time changed our lives. Kids are now teenagers,we live in a different state but life jyst kept going whether I liked it or not. I've taken on on a motto my dad always said..."You do what you have to Do". There were some difficult years. Times I wish I could forget, but know they were necessary to heal as I walked through grief, but still didn't like it at all. I wasn't prepared for how the grief changed me in many ways. Of course it made me stronger and definitely more independent and stubborn. I liked those characteristics, but it also made me withdraw even more and I find myself easily disconnecting from the outside and sadly from people so as not to let the pain overtake me again. The one thing I can never disconnect myself from though is my kids. They are my gift, my joy...they make my heart so joyful. I've been blessed for sure. I still miss Warren everyday. As the kids grow I can't tell you how many times I've wanted so badly to just tell him how proud he would be of the kids or just tell him something funny they did. I think the loneliness surprised me. It was a stronger than I anticipated. I could be in a room full of people, but felt completely alone. Thoughts were difficult to control as the reality of never seeing him again began to sink in. I at times lived in a dream world just trying to survive the empty hole that I felt. I felt I was in a dream watching my life go by, but not having the emotionally stamina to deal with the many emotions and thoughts that were consuming me. I knew I needed counseling...someone to talk with that didn't know me or anything about me. She was a Godsend! She listened, was honest and a wonderful friend. It was much needed time for me as it was important to communicate in a healthy environment the feelings, thoughts and emotions I was dealing with. I do miss Warren...so much. We had an amazing connection that's hard to match with anyone else. But I know God has a plan...its not easy to see, but as much as I want to scream at him in frustration I also want to run to His arms for comdfort and safety. For He is the only one that can fill that sadness. I don't always feel he's with me, but his promise that He's there is something I have to hold too. Making that choice, daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10/10/10

10/10/10...it's been 2 years since Warren has been gone. We miss him just as much now as we did 2 yrs ago, but we made it another year. I thank you for praying for us during the last 2 years and thank so many out there that have been a source of help and comfort. Days like this put me in a fog and I feel so much of the emotion I felt 2 yrs ago. My family have been such a help as mom and Jana came to be with me this weekend and we were able to keep busy, but he is always on our minds. We love and miss you Warren.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Catching Up

My goodness how time flies. I'm sorry to those who have checked my blog and I haven't posted for months. I have had some computer issues and it was hard to post on the blog. Anyway, I'm up and running and ready to blog again. We have had a very busy summer and I can't believe we are already back in school. Oh how I miss the summer months. The stringent schedule of school is very difficult for me. The school year ended with my little man graduating from Kindergarten and that was very emotional. Then we started the summer off with 2 weddings. It was a crazy beginning. For the 4th we went to visit Warren's family and had a very nice day, then a couple weeks later we left for Minnesota for a week. We went to the Children's Museum, the zoo and Mall of America and celebrated a birthday at the American Girl Cafe. The week turned into a two week trip as we ended up going to my sister's because her basement flooded and they were in Palau. So mother and I and the kids went to Wisconsin to help with the house and then welcomed them home from Palau. We came home for 2 weeks and then back to Wisconsin for a Rodabaugh reunion. It was a wonderful time to visit with my dad's family. We had not all been to together in many years. There were 41 of us. We were all there but one cousin(and he was missed very much). It was really hot, but we still had a great day visiting and catching up. We came home and started school two days later. AHHHHHH!! Where did the summer go? The children are growing as you will see from the pics. We had some interesting issues come the summer, but were able to work on them and some we still are. I had a big birthday this summer and it seemed to really affect my little boy. I dreaded this birthday, not because of aging, but because I am getting close to the age of my husband and will soon pass him. It is difficult to think he will never grow old as I will. He will always be 41. One night I heard heavy crying and went to talk to my son who said "mommy, you turned 40, then you'll be 50 then 60 and then you'll be dead". What do you say to that? I reasurred him with lots of love and the fact that I am here now and we pray that God will give me a long and healthy life. What a burden for a little boy to have. I hate that he has those thoughts. God has been good to us as always and we are so grateful for his love for us even when we can't see the way.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Sometimes life is too fast and othertimes too slow...

We are in the middle of April, the dreaded month of the year for me. I pour myself into all kinds of projects during April to busy myself crazy. It does help me some. I have been working on planting around the outside of the house. This was always Warren's area, but I was determined to make green grow!!! I do not have a green thumb, it's really more black. But I have found that I can grow ivy and hostas. Well at least that's a start. I must look really sad out there because my neighbors have been offering various things like plants, gardening tools, mulch and so forth. I guess I probably looked a little crazy putting the mulch in our little red wagon because my wheelbarrel was broken so I was offered the use of a wheelbarrel. I was fairly proud of myself as I have transplanted several plants and planted new plants. I also dug out a small garden bed along the back of the house and cut down some small dead trees along the back of the yard. I hope all my plants survive! I also have been taking a personal training class, I'm not sure what I was thinking there, but at least I feel stronger (at least that's what I tell myself when I'm on the heating pad and taking ibuprofen). We celebrated Warren's birthday last weekend by getting our balloons, writing our notes on them and taking them to the cemetery to let them go, then we always go to Texas Roadhouse (Warren's favorite restaurant). The kids actually love doing it, it's a time to remember daddy in a fun way and it not be so sad at least for them. They also love TX Roadhouse and love steak and ribs. We also started the little man in T-ball again. He has much more confidence this year and has discovered sliding. He slides for every base and every ball. Needless to say he is filthy. We have so enjoyed the beautiful weather God has given us this spring and I love that the two youngest go out to "adventuring". They pack their little backpacks and walk through the yard looking for sticks, birds and various nature things. It's really cute. My oldest on the other hand is my garden helper (I think she has her daddy's green thumb). I was given the opportunity to go hear Lisa Welchel speak. What a wonderful blessing! It was a wonderful night of encouragement. God always sends me what I need at the right time. I don't understand the ways of God and why He has allowed me to be in this position in life, but He continues to show me He is with me and watching over us, even when I can't feel Him. It's just that sometimes it would really by nice if God has skin on...Happy Birthday to my Warren, I love you!!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day....


I just returned from a weekend with my sister Jana. We had a wonderful time as she always makes me laugh and for a brief time forget what this weekend represented - special time with my husband. As I have said before Warren made Valentine's Day a very special time and so I try to just get through the day, but the children don't understand and so for them the festivities go on.... Jana had them make cards for me and they expressed their wonderful love for Mommy. What a treasure! I was blessed as I read the cards. Chloe always finds a unique way of saying something special like when she said "I don't need you skinny, mommy, I love you just the way you are." Those are always the special words from my precious girl. Today was no different and she wrote: "I like to have a mom just like you". I love her precious ways and innocent love. Spencer colored me a beautiful picture of the sky with 3 figures in the clouds: God, Daddy and Jesus, oh, with a caterpillar and spider at the bottom. Maddie, over and over, expressed her love for me with words and hearts. This is the precious love of Valentine's Day. In my sadness for what I am missing, God said, "but, look what you have" These are now the treasured cards I keep hidden to my heart. I hope you had a wonderful day, and treasured the precious valentine's you have whether adult and/or children. Happy Valentine's Day Warren, I love and miss you!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wow! A whole year has passed and then some. For the most part Warren seems only gone a few weeks or maybe months. I am finding that the 2nd year in many ways is more difficult than the first. I think the first year is so much shock and trying to cope through each "first" or just life in general. Now as the 2nd year begins, reality sets in. The reality that he's not on a long trip, but that this is for the rest of my earthly life. It's a sobering thought to face everyday. I went by the cemetery today to place a Christmas star at his grave. I like to go there although I had 2 of the kids with me and couldn't stay long. It's nice to go, but as I've said before I hate to leave, especially when it's cold and rainy. I know he's not there, but it's hard to disconnect from our human minds sometimes. I miss him so very much. The kids are doing well. We have had a few "I miss my daddy" moments, but we have cried and hugged and gone on. I cleaned out a drawer next to our bed and found priceless treasures. Warren had such a desire to be a good father and the drawer had many books about family and fatherhood. I also found another card I had given him. He saved almost every card I gave him. There were many sermon outlines he had started on pieces of paper, some finished and some not. He had a card he had bought for Maddie's 2nd Christmas and had written in it. He never finished it, but had said many wonderful things to her and so mom thought it would be helpful to her if I gave it to her now. She loved it and cried, but she keeps it under her pillow and I find her reading it all the time. What a treasure she has and special words just to her from her daddy. I also found a poem he had written about the kids. It was a tough hour and a half, but so thankful to the Lord for the treasures he has given me.
I tell the kids when I take them to school and we pray how important it is to thank God for the many blessings he has bestowed on my family. Although we do not understand why God has allowed this difficulty in our lives, He has taken such wonderful care of us. We are blessed in so many ways. It doesn't mean I don't struggle with all of this, but I can count other blessings.
Christmas is approaching, quickly, I might add, and I love this time of year. I still find myself picking out gifts for him, when I see something, but then reality again hits me. I miss how he planned my Christmas presents. He was so specific about what he would buy. I even miss the Christmas china he bought me every year. I miss the dark chocolate with raspberry filling candy he would put in my stocking. He would buy some kind of jewelry and put it in the very bottom of the stocking. There was always a certain way he did Christmas. He rarely bought what I asked for because he said I was too practical and He wanted to buy me something nice. I must say he spoiled me every year.
We had our Christmas cantata at church last week and Maddie had her debut of acting. She was my daughter. I couldn't have been prouder!! I believe God opened a window of Heaven and allowed Warren to see her perform. My heart was so full as she said her lines. Then tonight we had the children's program. It was so fun. You just never know what they will do. Maddie and Chloe each had speaking parts and did a great job. Maddie played 2 piano specials as well, but bless her heart, she has been terribly sick with a cold. She is just miserable. Spencer was a shepherd, but got a little bored in the barn and began hitting "Joseph" over the head with his staff (Joseph was plastic, thank goodness). It is so dangerous when that boy gets bored! He had a few parts with the smaller children before the play and everytime he had a special part and before they left he would walk up to microphone and say "thank you very much". Hmmmm, sounds like someone else I knew. Anyway, I have rattled on long enough. I hope you all have a wonderful MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!