Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Single parenting has got to be my toughest job! Trying to be both mother and father at times. Trying not to be the "No" parent every time and choosing my battles. It's tough. 3 teenagers, 1 adult...ratio isn't good for me. I think my biggest battle is the kitchen clean-up! It's like really there are 4 people...four plates or 4 bowls. It's not that hard and shouldn't take anyone 2 hrs!! I even post each child's night in the kitchen so they know what night and can plan ahead due to various schedules. It's just plain ridiculous the excuses to not do it or why it didn't get done. I know there are those that say...well, you just make them. Yep, I know. It will get done eventually, but boy does it bring on the battles. You would think though that by now these 3 medium humans would figure that it doesn't matter the excuse, the stalling, the whining, the clever ways to go around...AREN'T WORKING! YOU STILL HAVE TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN! I love my children, but there are those tough days that your just thankful that God gives you mercy too. Thanking God today for those medium humans who make me who I am and for the lessons God is teaching me as i raise them.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Life is hard sometimes....

Life is hard sometimes. I'm here again because I needed a place where I can journal the walk of my life. It's tough to walk this journey at times. I miss him today. Really miss him. I sat with the kids at the dinner table tonight. Always tough to do, but listen as they laugh and talk and I miss that he's not here. You would think that after 8 yrs I wouldn't have these times, but here I am...sad. I think I hear him laugh at times and wish the kids knew what that sounded like. It's really tough at times to be "left behind". I try to keep my sights on Christ, but in all honesty that's so difficult. It's such a battle to keep fighting to stay above water, but you do what you have to survive again.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

It's been a very long time since I've posted...well 7 yrs actually. My has time changed our lives. Kids are now teenagers,we live in a different state but life jyst kept going whether I liked it or not. I've taken on on a motto my dad always said..."You do what you have to Do". There were some difficult years. Times I wish I could forget, but know they were necessary to heal as I walked through grief, but still didn't like it at all. I wasn't prepared for how the grief changed me in many ways. Of course it made me stronger and definitely more independent and stubborn. I liked those characteristics, but it also made me withdraw even more and I find myself easily disconnecting from the outside and sadly from people so as not to let the pain overtake me again. The one thing I can never disconnect myself from though is my kids. They are my gift, my joy...they make my heart so joyful. I've been blessed for sure. I still miss Warren everyday. As the kids grow I can't tell you how many times I've wanted so badly to just tell him how proud he would be of the kids or just tell him something funny they did. I think the loneliness surprised me. It was a stronger than I anticipated. I could be in a room full of people, but felt completely alone. Thoughts were difficult to control as the reality of never seeing him again began to sink in. I at times lived in a dream world just trying to survive the empty hole that I felt. I felt I was in a dream watching my life go by, but not having the emotionally stamina to deal with the many emotions and thoughts that were consuming me. I knew I needed counseling...someone to talk with that didn't know me or anything about me. She was a Godsend! She listened, was honest and a wonderful friend. It was much needed time for me as it was important to communicate in a healthy environment the feelings, thoughts and emotions I was dealing with. I do miss much. We had an amazing connection that's hard to match with anyone else. But I know God has a plan...its not easy to see, but as much as I want to scream at him in frustration I also want to run to His arms for comdfort and safety. For He is the only one that can fill that sadness. I don't always feel he's with me, but his promise that He's there is something I have to hold too. Making that choice, daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute.