Monday, August 21, 2017

Life is hard sometimes....

Life is hard sometimes. I'm here again because I needed a place where I can journal the walk of my life. It's tough to walk this journey at times. I miss him today. Really miss him. I sat with the kids at the dinner table tonight. Always tough to do, but listen as they laugh and talk and I miss that he's not here. You would think that after 8 yrs I wouldn't have these times, but here I am...sad. I think I hear him laugh at times and wish the kids knew what that sounded like. It's really tough at times to be "left behind". I try to keep my sights on Christ, but in all honesty that's so difficult. It's such a battle to keep fighting to stay above water, but you do what you have to survive again.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

It's been a very long time since I've posted...well 7 yrs actually. My has time changed our lives. Kids are now teenagers,we live in a different state but life jyst kept going whether I liked it or not. I've taken on on a motto my dad always said..."You do what you have to Do". There were some difficult years. Times I wish I could forget, but know they were necessary to heal as I walked through grief, but still didn't like it at all. I wasn't prepared for how the grief changed me in many ways. Of course it made me stronger and definitely more independent and stubborn. I liked those characteristics, but it also made me withdraw even more and I find myself easily disconnecting from the outside and sadly from people so as not to let the pain overtake me again. The one thing I can never disconnect myself from though is my kids. They are my gift, my joy...they make my heart so joyful. I've been blessed for sure. I still miss Warren everyday. As the kids grow I can't tell you how many times I've wanted so badly to just tell him how proud he would be of the kids or just tell him something funny they did. I think the loneliness surprised me. It was a stronger than I anticipated. I could be in a room full of people, but felt completely alone. Thoughts were difficult to control as the reality of never seeing him again began to sink in. I at times lived in a dream world just trying to survive the empty hole that I felt. I felt I was in a dream watching my life go by, but not having the emotionally stamina to deal with the many emotions and thoughts that were consuming me. I knew I needed counseling...someone to talk with that didn't know me or anything about me. She was a Godsend! She listened, was honest and a wonderful friend. It was much needed time for me as it was important to communicate in a healthy environment the feelings, thoughts and emotions I was dealing with. I do miss much. We had an amazing connection that's hard to match with anyone else. But I know God has a plan...its not easy to see, but as much as I want to scream at him in frustration I also want to run to His arms for comdfort and safety. For He is the only one that can fill that sadness. I don't always feel he's with me, but his promise that He's there is something I have to hold too. Making that choice, daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute.